Did you know that according to the Family Policy Institute, 7 out of 10 marriages break up? These are not very encouraging data. That is why I have decided to prepare this guide on the help that couples therapy provides for many people who find themselves having difficulties in their relationships.
Couples therapy more than ever helps us become aware of the choices we make when sharing our life with another person, how to travel the path of love and coexistence, and when it is time to abandon that sinking ship without remedy.
If you are reading this guide, you are likely having difficulties in your relationship, wondering whether to ask a psychologist for help for couples and not knowing very well what and how marriage therapy can help you.
In this time that we are going to spend together, I will help you answer the most common doubts regarding couples therapy, we will talk about the most frequent problems and I will provide you with techniques so that you can get started towards a solution.
What is couples therapy?
Couples therapy is one of the services and approaches that psychology offers to improve people’s quality of life. It is a therapy modality that is applied simultaneously to two people who maintain an intimate relationship.
When the members of a couple consult a specialist in couples therapy, it is because they have encountered an accumulation of tensions that they are not able to resolve on their own. This causes conflicts to fester even more and makes the future of that relationship somewhat uncertain.
And, as if that were not enough, each member of the couple brings with them a past in their career and a story regarding their family of origin, which can and should be taken into account in the couples therapy meeting.
Thus, although complete therapy for couples attends to both members simultaneously in sessions, it is essential to investigate the personal history of each member and the influence it is having on the exchange and coexistence with the couple. To carry out this approach, it is important to reserve a space within the process to intersperse individual sessions.
You may be wondering what would happen or what to do if one of the members of the couple does not want to go to therapy (a situation that is often common). In this case, keep reading because I will talk more about this circumstance and how to manage it later.
And now that you know what marriage or couples therapy is, I would like to explain what it is not.
What couples therapy is not:
- It is not a space in which the couple will be told what to do.
- The couple’s therapist will not make decisions about the lives of those two people. For example, about whether they have to separate or not.
- No personal opinions will be given about the couple’s relationship.
- The therapist will not be the judge, determining who is right.
- The sessions are not a space to prolong the discussions you have at home.
The role of a couples therapist is to facilitate conflict resolution, promote change toward more positive interactions between members, and provide guidelines for improving communication, time as a couple, and intimacy-sexuality.
As psychology and people professionals, we are here to help and accompany you with all our empathy and respect.
The therapy space is a space for and by the couple so that you become aware of the moment you are going through, what the causes of the difficulties you are experiencing, and learning and carry out solutions with the help of a specialized professional.
Don’t you see it differently now? Great, we continue with the next point: the most common relationship problems.
Common problems couples face
Repeated arguments, routine, discomfort in living together, sexual problems, or infidelities are the most common reasons why a couple decides to go to therapy to save their relationship or, at least, try to.
And to these are added a few more such as:
- Lack of trust.
- Jealousy.
- Lack of communication.
- Financial problems.
- Work-related stress.
- Family problems.
- Different objectives and values.
- Different parenting styles.
- Vital changes of all kinds.
Many couples go through crises, although each situation is unique and we could add many other difficulties to this list.
In my care and practice with the couples who come to my office, I often find that the important problems lie in poor or inadequate communication and a lack of empathy.
It’s not so much what they argue about but how they argue.
Learning to communicate more positively and efficiently does not mean that the couple does not have to face conflicts and tensions, but it does help enormously to resolve them better, faster, and without so much energy consumption and accumulation of discomfort.
Something very important that we must not ignore as professionals who are accompanying the couple in their therapy process is to review problems, wounds, and unresolved issues that have ended up forming a somewhat dark nebula of resentments, traumas, and untreated and undigested pain.
Other times it is about unmet expectations that lead to great frustrations, and other times it is about idealizations and myths regarding love that do not adjust at all to the reality of the emotional and sentimental exchange between two people who decide to join their path.
In these cases it is necessary to help them readjust these beliefs and attitudes so that the journey of their life together is more realistic, perhaps a little more washed out, but that provides more truth and enjoyment.
Apart from the reasons and problems why a couple goes to therapy, I would also like to reflect on the importance of evaluating three situations :
In the last two circumstances, it would be necessary to begin by defining the bond they maintain and how each of the members experiences it, helping them to position themselves regarding what they want with couples therapy, and reaching agreements on the objectives in successive sessions. and clarify the degree of commitment of both parties.
Although it may seem normal, we cannot assume that both parties of the couple want to continue with the relationship, and that is something that will also have to be assessed.
When to go to couples therapy?
The moment in which a couple decides to ask for help from a professional, personally, seems to me to be one of the most important variables and one that often determines the outcome of the therapy.
Some couples go to therapy when they begin to see that something is not going as they expected, but in most cases, they wait an average of between five and six years. When you expect so much, the relationship is already excessively burdened and/or worn out.
At this moment, it is key to tune in to the goal of therapy, that is, that both want to resolve the difficulties and overcome the slump.
If one of the parties is mainly positioned on the option of leaving, another goal must be proposed to the couple, for example, support during the separation process, especially if they anticipate serious difficulties in understanding or there are children in common.
In fact, according to José Bustamante, general secretary of the Spanish Association of Sexology Specialists and author of the book: “What Do Men Think About?”, the success rate of couples therapy is around 70%. This percentage increases significantly if the couple requests help sooner, at most two years after the first problems appear.