Love without suffering is a luxury available to very few. Conflict, insecurity, jealousy, or heartbreak are commonplace and do not indicate any pathology. However, for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), maintaining a satisfactory and stable relationship is as arduous and complicated as running a marathon in heels.
The person with BPD presents two determining traits, exacerbated impulsivity and emotional regulation deficit. Both traits strongly impact your ability to maintain satisfying and stable intimate relationships. Initially, problems are usually masked in falling in love; they can be interpreted as signs of exacerbated passion or imbalances typical of the beginning of the relationship. Subsequently and progressively, the conflicts worsen, making daily life difficult and threatening the viability of life as a couple.
Below are some of the difficulties that the person with BPD, and consequently the other party, usually face in relationships. They are not symptoms with diagnostic value, they are some of the manifestations that psychotherapists find in patients’ relationships. They do not all occur in the same way in each case, each individual with or without BPD is unique and, therefore, so is his or her relationship.
The intensity of the delivery.
Romantic and passionate, people with BPD can give all their attention and affection immediately. Falling in love is usually brutal, and the other person perceives it as something special. The stability of that effect, on the other hand, is variable. In the relationship dynamic, the other feels intensely loved at some moments, especially at the beginning, or rejected and despised at others, especially towards the end.
Dependency and escape.
People with BPD seem to be governed by that “neither with you nor without you.” The effect is unstable and alternates between excessive dependence and flight. Generally, the type of attachment is insecure and the relationship dynamic is codependent. They feel intense discomfort in the face of separation, in a certain sense, they live with the fear of the other person disappearing, or being abandoned. The mere absence of contact can generate anxious states, and these tend to be compensated with hostile, addictive, or even self-harming behaviors.
The escalation of the conflict.
The person with BPD seems to have an inexhaustible resistance to conflict. Many times the trigger is a seemingly irrelevant detail, which triggers a hostile reaction. Without intention or apparent motives, the other person can end up being the punching bag on which to pour out their frustration. During the conflict, the sky is the limit. The argument can begin with “you are ten minutes late” and end with “you have destroyed my life.” Despite the loss of energy, the person with BPD can reverse the condition and subsequently regain a positive attitude with relative ease.
Polarization and Manichaeism.
Interpersonal behavior tends to be associated with a cognitive regulation deficit. Emotion impacts thinking. That is, cognitive functioning is altered in situations of stress in the relationship with others, consequently, information processing becomes biased and split. At these times, the person with BPD tends to construct a world in dichotomous terms, in black and white, or good and bad. These roles are not granted rationally and are not maintained stably over time. Emotionally, they move between extremes and, involuntarily, tend to idealize or demonize the other, or the relationship itself. They love and hate in equal parts.
Manipulation and emotional blackmail.
Frequently, the person with BPD seems to view the other as a manipulable actor. They do not instrumentalize relationships to achieve their goals in a conscious, intentional, or organized way; rather, they tend to obtain the attention, affection, or expected behavior of others in a maladaptive way. Sometimes it is through seduction or self-delivery, other times through victimization or emotional blackmail.
The victimization.
People with BPD are experts at throwing the ball around, that is, they tend to explain their problems or difficulties based on external factors. The fault lies with others or the circumstances. During the conflict, the other is accused of selfishness, lacking empathy, emotional intelligence, etc. They even accuse them of abuse or abandonment. They defend their arguments tenaciously and vehemently, and especially in the initial stages they cause confusion, discomfort, and guilt.
The perception of incomprehension.
“You do not understand me!” It is the daily bread for those who live with a person with BPD. They feel misunderstood, and on many occasions they are. Putting yourself in their shoes is complicated; understand their mood swings, their fears, their insecurities, or the vehemence in defending their positions. In a relationship, the result is distancing and lack of communication.
The feeling of emptiness.
In BPD, patients normally have a very fragile identity, which is altered or fragmented in stressful situations. They are people with a changing and biased self-concept, and as a result, a persistent feeling of emptiness. In relational terms, this feeling of emptiness would underlie emotional voracity, the tendency towards codependency, separation anxiety, or the instability of affection.
The boycott of routine.
Paradoxically, despite longing for satisfying, long-lasting relationships, they often seem to boycott the stability of affection. They are people with little tolerance for frustration and everyday life, with its annoyances and small miseries, is a very heavy burden.
They often confuse desires with needs, magnify any interference in the achievement of their goals, are very sensitive to everyday inconveniences, and tend to become demotivated and give up when faced with routine. Difficulties in regulating their emotions and impulsivity would be behind the continuous change in attitudes, interests, and even life goals.
Self-deception.
Self-deception works as a way to protect one’s identity. They build a biased reality in which they minimize their defects and magnify their virtues. It is common for people with BPD to describe themselves as highly sensitive, vital, passionate, intuitive, spontaneous, emotional, melancholic, or restless. This is how they are perceived at the beginning, however, as the relationship progresses they will be discovered as unstable, irascible, impulsive, and insecure beings.
Part of self-deception refers to the ability to project oneself into a future in which everything will be fine. Emotionally, they tend to create romantic and passionate relationships, in which past difficulties have no place. For this reason, they can restore affection after an angry reaction, and after the breakup, they tend to stumble over the same stone.
It is not an egosyntonic disorder, the patient is not satisfied with his way of being and at times feels guilty. However, it is very difficult for a person with BPD to accept that they suffer from a disorder, and the lack of adequate awareness of the problem makes it difficult to find solutions.