It’s three o’clock in the morning and you are writing to me again, I already know your move, I don’t know why I’m here, I gave you my everything and you gave me ‘crumbs’, I already knew it, I answered you anyway … This is how one begins of the latest songs by Chilean singer Denise Rosenthal Migajas.
This musical hit talks about giving a lot in a relationship where you receive little and settling for that minimal delivery. The singer ends her song by highlighting her self-love since first, you have to love yourself so as not to settle for little.
Reading the comments you can see that there are several who live in a similar situation or that when listening to this bachata-type ballad they felt deeply touched.
Although the topic is addressed to whoever listens to it, it cannot be denied that it reaches a greater extent to women who are, for the most part, those who usually fall into this bad practice of giving everything and settling for little.
In short, they are those women who normalize suffering in a relationship, who ignore several red flags, and who live for years with discomfort, who do not know where it comes from… but survive.
After analyzing all this, the question arises: What is the genesis of this common practice in women, of feeling like the saviors of that man lost in life or the mothers of that man who does not know how to express love?
The book “Women Who Love Too Much” by American psychotherapist Robin Norwood explains several cases of women who love impossible men beyond measure and in relationships with no future.
The specialist has dedicated her career to family therapy and drug and alcohol addiction treatment. It was in the study of these subjects that she found several similarities between addictions and unhealthy relationships.
In 1985 he published this book that even in the following millennium does not seem to go out of style.
In her story, she says that many women came to her consultation to ask for help in different situations and that after a short conversation, her great effort to attract uninterested, emotionally inaccessible, cold, and distant men came to light.
Many of them come for other problems, nothing related to their partners, but the therapy gradually shows that the cause of anguish, depression, and other pathologies is caused by this relationship that does not prosper and ends up getting sick.
The specialist relates in her book that this poor choice could be attributed to having a bad eye when choosing a partner or due to bad luck.
However, the reality is that it is upbringing that plays a fundamental role when choosing a partner. The relationship with parents is crucial since we tend to reproduce the same pattern or look for what is known, and therefore, we repeat the story.
If we had an unloving father, as adults we look for a partner who personifies the same role, because it is what we know, it is how we already know how to relate, it is familiar to us on an unconscious level.
The author relates in her book that women who love too much usually come from families where they were very alone and isolated or were rejected or overloaded with inappropriate responsibilities and that is why they became excessively maternal and altruistic.
Subjected to dangerous chaos, they developed an overwhelming need to control those around them and the situations in which they found themselves.
The natural consequence of this is that a woman who needs to control and attend or both will only be able to do so with a man who at least allows, even invites, that type of behavior.
Parenting as a basis in relationships
Jairo Hernández Sanhueza, psychologist and family therapist at the Psychological Clinic of the University of La Frontera and psychotherapist on the digital platform Criar Sin Morir en el Intento, in an interview with BioBioChile, explained the relationship between parenting and the choice of partners.
“Our bonding experiences in childhood shape our attachment styles. How we today experience the satisfaction or frustration of our emotional and protection needs is the result of what was built from what we experienced with our primary attachment figures (father, mother, caregivers, resilience tutors, etc.). The result of not only these relationships but of all the ones we have generated a bond during our development, are transcendental in who we are today,” he said.
The specialist pointed out that the choice of a partner is the result of a complex combination of elements.
“Among them, we find our childhood bonding experiences, the level of awareness we have about our attachment style, and the clarity about our childhood wounds, which is related to the awareness we have or not of how our basic needs for affection, protection and security were responded to by those who were in charge of that,” he expressed.
For the expert, what makes the difference is when we are not aware of these childhood wounds since we could be repeating patterns when choosing a partner.
“This choice may be guided by the search to meet needs that we do not feel are sufficiently satisfied in our development,” he stated.
“It is expected that our wounds or the need to heal our wounds will be expressed in a bond as transcendental as the relationship between a couple, a bond that today is known to have sufficient strength to correct experiences of trauma experienced in upbringing. The point is, how aware are we of these needs? How much do I take care of my injuries? And, how much am I asking the other to welcome or take care of my wounds or my needs? ”She indicated.
“At the beginning of the relationship, unspoken guidelines and rules will be established that will lay the foundations of the relationship, and if we are not aware of this, we can get involved in dynamics that can be toxic, that can harm, especially if there is no awareness of how each one contributes to this interaction. Becoming aware of this is important, deep, and often painful work,” the expert told BioBioChile.
Red flags when loving too much
Several times we normalize some warning signs, which, being so common, we assume as part of love or being in a relationship.
Psychologist Jairo Hernández provides an exercise that is used in couples therapy and that allows us to identify behaviors and attitudes that tell us that the relationship is becoming harmful: “The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”