After cheating, should I leave my partner or end the relationship? Should we try to fix things or end the story? Will my partner ever leave his/her partner for me? These are some of the questions that can torment those who find themselves experiencing a crisis in their relationship as a couple or those who find themselves the protagonist of a “love triangle”.
I will try to present you with a broader reading of the motivations that hide behind a betrayal and that go beyond the concepts of “wrong” or “guilty”. Understanding these aspects is fundamental in the process of overcoming a couple of crises due to betrayal, relieving you of the inevitable moral judgment. We will also talk about how it is possible to go beyond a betrayal and rediscover the lost bond.
The “hidden” reasons for infidelity in couples
Various theories, from psychoanalytic to evolutionary ones, address the topic of betrayal from various points of view, finding themselves in agreement in believing how the following variables affect the choice or not to betray:
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Primordial instincts
Most cultures do not officially accept infidelity, forcing human beings to experience an internal conflict: on the one hand sexual urges and feelings such as jealousy, possessiveness, flirting, and taking revenge for a betrayal typical of the human species; on the other, monogamy as a functional strategy for the continuation and survival of the species. From the point of view of the evolution of the species, man can have more children with different partners through disinterested sex, but still invest in their growth with one or more faithful partners. The woman, on the other hand, prefers to maintain a stable relationship with a man who is capable of investing in her and her children.
In the first case priority is given to the “quantity” of offspring, in the second case to “quality”, but in both cases monogamy, although very morally accepted, represents a frustration of primordial instincts. Betrayal from this perspective is considered as a solution to give a greater chance of raising successful offspring if the chosen partner is no longer suitable to fulfill this role.
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Hormones.
Studies show how a high level of testosterone is correlated with a higher percentage of infidelity; and less testosterone to monogamy. It was also discovered that women have 7 times higher levels of oxytocin (the hormone underlying trust and loving bonding) in their blood than men and that animals with high levels of oxytocin in their blood are monogamous, compared to polygamists who instead have lower oxytocin levels.
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Sexual desire.
Men think more about sex and have more frequent sexual arousal, have greater and more varied fantasies, desire sex more often, and desire more partners. They masturbate more often, they are less able to live without sexual gratification. There is no evidence to support the thesis that women have a greater sexual desire than men, but it is known that the rates of infidelity in women in Western cultures are equal to those of men.
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Attachment style.
In species in which parents care for their offspring, an attachment bond develops (as happens for example in mammals and birds, unlike reptiles). Studies show how parenting style influences the type of attachment. Those who have an anxious-ambivalent attachment, sexuality, and the search for another partner have as their objective the search for reassurance, protection, comfort, and emotional intimacy. Coercive strategies are used, such as making the partner jealous, to activate him, and request closeness, even if in a dysfunctional way. The communication style is controlling and excessively demanding.
Those with an avoidant-distancing attachment style often experience infidelity as an escape from boredom, manage to separate love and sex (“it’s just sex, it doesn’t mean anything”) and are afraid, sometimes unaware, of true intimacy and emotional connection. The communication style is hostile, and belittling, with notes of contempt. Secure attachment is the style in which fidelity is most present in the couple, as partners communicate better and are more capable of cultivating trust and showing their vulnerabilities and fragilities.
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Morals about sex.
Gender is biological, while sexuality is psychological and can change over time, and be fluid. Studies show how sexual orientation is influenced by the level of testosterone in the blood. Society also influences how we perceive ourselves from a sexual point of view and can develop what is called a “False Self” in order not to experience first-hand the pain resulting from the judgment of others. Therefore, feeling ashamed for what is not socially acceptable and fearing the judgment of others, we can be led to find other ways, including clandestine betrayal, to show and experience the “True Self”.
How to overcome infidelity in a couple
Suffering a betrayal, as well as cheating, can cause discomfort and symptoms such as post-traumatic stress disorder and a very strong emotional crisis, with anxious and/or depressive symptoms. To overcome the impact that infidelity has had on us and to try to find harmony in the couple’s relationship, it is necessary to start from one’s wound, which has inevitably affected the sense of trust in the other, but also in one’s ability to judgment, undermining one’s self-esteem.
It will be essential to reflect on how one’s behaviors influence the mental states of the partner, including protest or jealous behaviors. Recognize and manage basic vulnerabilities and the feeling of rejection, often evocative of early childhood experiences in which one felt rejected or not enough considered. It will also be important to work on communication, learning not to be overwhelmed by an emotional overload and reviewing discussions and conflicts in a more reflective framework, learning to tolerate irreconcilable differences of opinion.
Cultivate acceptance
Another fundamental objective of the therapeutic path is to cultivate acceptance, both of parts of oneself and parts of the partner, abandoning the idea of being able to change them. For those who cheat, the first step to overcoming the crisis is to forgive yourself. Those who cheat often have feelings of guilt and must deal with their responsibilities. Furthermore, those who are unfaithful often do so because they are unable to put themselves in the other person’s shoes, not fully understanding the trauma they are causing.
In therapy, a fundamental objective is to activate reflective functioning in partners, that ability that allows us to understand our mental states and those of others; it will also allow us to understand how communication and attachment styles have impacted the couple’s relationship, what emotions are triggered when we are on the defensive and recover empathy and harmony, sowing the foundations for greater trust and the repair of wounds.