Relationships are one of the most complex experiences of our lives and they affect us the most in a psychological and emotional sense. For this reason, undergoing therapy to improve your relationship or, above all, to get to know yourself and improve this aspect of your life, can mean a before and after.
Why are relationships so difficult? What is the best way to address these couple problems in therapy?
The causes of common difficulties as a couple
In relationships, we live experiences that bring us well-being, but there are also fears, insecurities, conflicts, and even difficulties with anxiety, mood, or self-esteem. What is the root problem behind all this?
Thinking about blaming the other party does not help us move forward. The most important objective is to work with your learning so that your well-being depends mainly on you, and thus, be able to enjoy more positive relationships.
In this article, we are going to delve into what the main problems are and how therapy should work to improve your relationship so that it helps you not only in this aspect but in any area of your life. Let’s go for it.
Human beings are social, affective, and emotional beings. We are beings of relationship.
In a relationship, we experience well-being and a deep, intimate bond. However… it is a link that we cannot control (since the decisions, attitudes, and behaviors belong to two different people).
Over time, a kind of ego fight is generated where our greatest fears and insecurities flow. Relationship problems depend largely on our way of facing relationships (whether anxious, insecure, etc.).
If the problems have already occurred (arguments, discouragement, lack of interest, jealousy, etc.) the difficulty will be more of an emotional nature, that is, how you understand and manage what you feel. Let’s see different factors that affect you in your relationship.
1. Emotion management
The human being is an emotional being. This means that we feel emotions all the time and they condition us for each decision or interpretation. The intensity, frequency, and duration of an emotion depends not so much on what happens… but on how you manage it through your behaviors.
Jealousy and conflict arise in a relationship due to fear of loss of control. We fear losing our identity or experiencing rejection from our partners. It is also common to feel afraid of the suffering of others.
For this reason, we manage these emotions in a dysfunctional way and they end up being more intense and lasting.
In cases of breaks, breakups, or more serious crises, this difficulty can trigger anxiety, and hence discouragement about the relationship.
2. Self-esteem style
If your well-being does not depend mainly on you but on external factors that you cannot control (how the other person behaves, how you interpret their communication, etc.), this will mean that your self-esteem will not work.
In this case, it is not about raising self-esteem but about learning to work on it so that it is stable. A relationship is an experience of sharing well-being and supporting each other, not for your well-being to depend on the other (this approach ends up generating stress and conflict).
3. Opaque or unassertive communication
If, due to fears and insecurities, you end up not saying what you want, what you think, what you can or cannot, you will end up adapting too much to the other’s system, which generates anxiety and loss of identity.
Couples therapy works if you also work on your communication to make it assertive and empathetic. Knowing how to communicate limits is also an expression of affection, both towards yourself for the self-care it entails, and towards others for the trust it generates.
How does therapy work to improve your relationship?
When certain problems repeat themselves in our lives, it is because our way of living, understanding what is happening, and managing it is the same.
To solve the problem it is necessary to live a process of change and personal learning that involves a before and after in your life. For this reason, an effective therapy must be profound, to work with all parts of your personality (not only with your relationship) but also practical, to apply concrete changes that lead you towards the improvement you need.
Although today it is common to work with couples therapy together, my experience as a psychologist is more positive when the process is individualized. Because? In joint therapy, several essential limits in therapy are overcome, such as privacy and confidentiality. In turn, in the same sessions, all the problems are reflected and repeated.
For this reason, it is much more practical and efficient to work with each person’s process. A relationship works when both people are well. If you work on yourself, then it will be much easier for you to be well in a stable way and this will positively influence your relationship.
These are the key factors to achieve it. What I am going to tell you is based on my experience as a psychologist and coach accompanying people who managed to overcome this difficulty.
1. Limits and identity
One of the most common difficulties in relationships is the loss of identity. We dissolve so much in the other that we lose focus on what we need. This is why it is essential to work on your communication: through limits and assertive communication, you will be able to preserve your identity and make your relationship more positive.
Communicating assertively is not complex. The interesting thing is to discover what prevents you from expressing what you need or cannot or want. Above all, it is the fear of the other person’s reaction or fears about what you think is going to happen.
2. Build self-esteem that works for you
When your well-being depends mainly on you (what you do, how you do it, your decisions, etc.) your relationships become more positive and independent.
This is what functional and stable self-esteem consists of. Working with this part of you will help you live your relationships with more calm and security.
3. Your approach to relationships
If your vision of what a relationship is is born of dependency or insecurity, problems will persist. It is necessary to work with your attachment style and your way of bonding with others.
A relationship is above all an intense and intimate experience to share well-being, in a bond where difficulties also become lighter. Working with your belief system, your values, and even your vision of what you think you need will help you make your relationship healthier.
4. Emotion management
Knowing how to manage your fears and insecurities, as well as managing anxiety and discouragement, will help you so that conflicts or crises (also possible breakups) do not affect you so intensely. Managing your emotions is something possible from your behaviors, to give more value to your trust, security, and acceptance.
This work takes time but is essential both for improving your relationships and for the future.
5. Action plan
Finally, nothing changes if we do not take concrete action. Going deeper into yourself and reaching reflections or conclusions is useful, but it does not imply a change in itself if we do not do something different.
Having a concrete action plan will help you make this possible. But it is not a generic or rigid action plan, but based on your case, according to your possibilities.
Concluding…
Achieving the changes you need and improving both your well-being and your relationships requires that this process be deep, practical, and where you also have constant company (not just with occasional sessions). For this reason, my way of accompanying is more constant and without consultation limits, so that you can consult me with whatever you need at all times (in addition to weekly tools, sessions, etc.).
In this way, it is much more bearable to face the couple’s difficulties, especially in times of crisis. It is also especially necessary when we live with anxiety or discouragement since it is a difficulty that appears frequently.